How to suck at SEO

How to suck at SEO

There’s lots of information out there about how to “do SEO”. Some of it makes sense, some of it is complete nonsense. So my goal here is to help you to really suck at “doing SEO” for yourself and your clients. To quote Homer Simpson, “You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.” So here is my guide to getting really half-assed results on Google.

Make up keywords to “SEO”

You know exactly what your customers are looking for, because you know your own business right? So make sure you pick keywords that include every affiliation you have any remote connection to. After all, your customers are looking for you by them, right? Better yet, make sure your clients give you their list of words to optimize for.

Find clients that want you to “SEO” their content

You have a magic wand just like all other SEO professionals out there, so make sure that your clients have already written all their content, and just want you to advise them how to tweak it for the search engines. This is always the best strategy after all – do the “SEO” after it’s all written by someone else.

Endlessly tweak your code

By fiddling with your HTML code every day, you’ll finally figure out the right combination to get your page listed a little higher on the search engines. After all, Google likes change, so make sure you change it constantly, even punctuation changes count, right?

Search for the perfect keyword

There must be the perfect key phrase that is the magic bullet just guaranteed to send thousands of rabid fans to your site. Use Google Adwords free keywords tool, WordTracker, and anything else you can think of to find that phrase that will just make you rich. It’s out there, I just know it.

Try to figure out Google’s secret formula

Someone must know it right? So if you can only figure out the secret sauce formula, just like Coke and KFC, you’ll be fabulously wealthy or famous, or both. Just keep digging my friends. Really. I mean it.

Chase high Page Rank links

It doesn’t matter that Google removed Page Rank from their Webmaster guidelines. If you can only get one more link from a site that has a Page Rank of 7 or 8 or (dream big here!) a *gasp* 9, you’d just have more traffic to your site than you can possibly handle. You probably ought to be researching another hosting company while you’re at it, because all that traffic will crash your $2.95/month shared hosted site anyway.

Buy lots of domain names

The more domain names you have linked to your Web site, the better. It’s even better if they have your keywords in it, because Google uses the domain name as the most important factor in getting to the top. Make sure all the words have dashes between them so Google is sure to be able to read all those keywords too.

Stuff your keywords in every corner

Make sure you get your keywords into all the places you can think of because the more you use it, the better. It really doesn’t matter that it reads kind of ridiculous. Oh, and don’t forget to “keyword optimize”  your images with their alt tags too. It matters. Really.

Promise your clients top position (and mean it)

Any SEO professional worth his or her salt can guarantee a top position on Google. So be sure to promise it, especially in writing. That way you’ll be sure to deliver on your promises. It’s especially effective if your clients give you the keywords they want to be number one for, because they know what their clients are searching for way more than you do (see the first one above).

My sincere hope is that you’ll use all these tips that will truly make you suck at SEO. It works. Trust me.